Just a quiet wednesday

Well today I feel like has been a very productive day.  I had my routine shrink visit, which because I am bipolar I have to have, talked about the usual nonsense though he was not overly concerned about my insomnia; to be honest I am not concerned about it I just find it frustrating.  He was happy that my mood swings are relatively stable and that I don’t get too high or too low; a few shrinks would up my med dose at the first sign of any fluctuation.  So as shrinks go he’s not too bad and isn’t trigger happy with my meds.  Which I have been told I can reduce them again from 300mg to 250 first then to 200 if I feel that’s right before I see the shrink next time. 

Talking about next time my next appointment is now not till June, so nearly 6 months away.  Last time I had a big gap like that I went a little loopy in the time between them and then ended up seeing a shrink every month for 5 months.  So I am hoping that it won’t happen this time.  Though I was also told that I would be getting a new shrink for that appointment as he’s being moved to deal with in-patients only; so this will by my 5^th different shrink in just over 2 years.  I added it up on the bus after I have seen 11 different shrinks in my life time, that’s a lot of talking about my feelings. 

Anyhow after the shrink’s I went to the gym, I had given it a bit of a wide birth over December but today got back in to it.  I have a nice spread sheet drawn up for this year that will log my endeavours so I can track what I do, as it sort of helps with the motivation at times.  As I found a top that I really like but at the moment doesn’t fit so my aim is to be able to wear that top for my birthday in May.   

After the gym I went and did my food shopping, and was shocked at how little I spent this month.  I know I didn’t need much in the way of meat as last month I got a fair bit and really never touched it.  I am not 100% sure what I ate last month as I seemed to not use half the stuff I brought.  So I am determined to eat proper food this month well at least some of the time, as I did buy a few packs of jelly so I can have days when I just eat jelly, and the supermarket had expanded its range from just strawberry and raspberry so I have a few other flavours now. 

Anyhow I decided to use the afternoon in a productive way and I sorted out the pile of clothes that was on the floor of my bedroom, and now I have floor!!!! Though I think I am going to have to sort out my underwear draw as it is very full now, I am sure some of them can be sorted out and removed. 

Anyhow it’s back to work tomorrow and I know there is a lot waiting for me, which is going to be fun.  Hopefully some of the work will be just a quick email reply and not too much work so I can feel like I have done something productive on the first day back and not just sorting things in to piles of urgent, do next and can wait a bit.  Must remember to pack my gym stuff as well so I can go and relax after work. 

Children

I know people won’t read this so it’s more for me to put my thoughts down on.  But tonight I have been unusually broody.  I know I can’t biologically have children after the operation I had, I know at the time it was the right thing to do as I was in huge amounts of pain and I wasn’t living by taking huge amounts of pain meds every day.  But now 5 years on I am kind of regretting it, I know if I hadn’t had it I would still be in pain now but there would have been a chance that I could have had a child.  Whereas now I know that’s something that can’t happen. 

My brother and sister both have children and I love my niece’s and nephew lots, but it’s not the same.  While adoption is an option for most people I know for me it’s not something that is going to happen.  As when I looked in to adopting having bipolar is a big red cross next to your name, even though in the most part its under control and I live and function in the most part as a normal person, I still have episodes albeit small ones in comparison to when I was unmediated.   It’s still a factor that goes heavily against you, as there is the possibility that when I get bad I can rarely take care of myself let alone someone else who would depend on me. 

So I am destined to never be a mother, unless I find someone who has children already.  But even then it wouldn’t be the same.  So I sit here kind of resigned to the fact that the best I can ever be is an aunt, which is a little upsetting when you think about it. 

meh

I hate this, it’s such a pain. The depression is still reasonably bad but it’s only been 24 hours since I last wrote about it so would be expecting a miracle to change it in that short a time period.  Anyhow I have been doing some random thinking which is always bad when I am in this mood; but the whole thing of being single is a pain in the bum.  People will say you should enjoy being single you can do anything you want and when you want.  But the things I want to do at the moment you can’t do on your own and you need someone else. 

On top of that today I had to buy Marlboro lights as the stupid cash machine at the shop had no money in it this morning so I couldn’t get 20 Marlboro Blacks just 10 lights.  I really hate Marlboro lights they just taste weird, so although I now have 20 black I am having to finish off the lights before I start on them; which is annoying me more.

Its times like these that I envy normal people, they don’t have to put up with these crappy mood swings and stupid brain thinking stuff. 

Just a sunday afternoon

Well it’s Sunday afternoon and this depressive mood has now been here for about a week; it’s the first time I have had to deal with depression in over a year.  The last time I felt depressed it was as part of a mixed mood so although I was down I was also up; a very complicated thing to explain to someone who doesn’t understand this. 

Anyhow I don’t think this week has helped with my mood at all, since last weekend I have only had 2 days when I didn’t have anything to do.  The trip down to London all though was good and a great learning experience really drained me a lot.  My normal Saturday lay in was something that didn’t happen as I had to go to work then as well. 

One thing I have learnt though over the years is how to maintain a veneer of normality when feeling down.  I don’t know how healthy this is as I am sure most normal people don’t do that.  But then most normal people go to a doctor when they are at this stage and get signed off for a few weeks, which is just something I can’t do.  I know that if I told a doctor just how I felt that I would get a sick note but I’ve lived with it for years and can function just about even when the depression gets really bad.   I manage to keep going and doing the usual stuff even when I am contemplating all sorts of methods of suicide, which is kind of a sign of really deep depression.

So now I am contemplating doing something I know will work to kick me out of this mood; traditionally there are two things that work.  One is sex and the other is pain, both most people would say are risky as I am not in a relationship so sex would be with some random person which has its risk.  The pain would most defiantly be via my ‘special’ kit, which although most people consider self-harm to be bad and wrong my last therapist said that if I need to do it then I should.  So now I am trying to weigh up just how long do I leave it, do I do it now or do I wait till it becomes a need that I can’t live without.

On another point what I hate about my depression is the sleep issues that go with it, not the typical sleeping for hours and hours but really having problems falling asleep and then feeling tired all the time.  It’s really odd but hey that’s how it is. 

2 Years

Earlier today I looked at my old livejournal I hadn’t posted on it in 2 years now but out of curiosity I read through what I posted.  Two of the posts related to the court case that was going on at the time, one about the verdict and another about the sentence.  One at the time I was happy with the other I felt really let down by.  He had got away with a 2 year community order and 5 years signing the sex offenders register as the judge thought the 12 months he spent on remand were sufficient in prison terms. 

It wasn’t till after I read them and looked at the date did I realise that those two years are now up.  He’s done his time, bar the whole sex offenders register bit.  He’s now a ‘free’ man so to speak.  Yet I still have to live with it, now it’s got past the stage where I think about it every day I probably don’t think about it once a week now.  But every now and then something happens or there is a news story that brings it all back. 

I have got a lot better at dealing with it, I remember a matter of months after the trial we had lectures at university on Rape, and in all honesty I think my brain just turned off during them I don’t recall anything of the lectures.  The only thing I remember is the tutor asking if I was alright after them and if I needed to talk that her office was always open.  I never took her up on the offer it was one of those things I tried to deal with myself, and in the most part I have done.

There is still only 3 people who know me who know just what happened that night, my girlfriend at the time, my best friend and my mum, and she only found out because she was in court with me at the trial as I felt I needed her support to get through the day.  Which rates as the second worst day of my life. 

Anyhow, I’m now sat here feeling rather numb and not knowing what to do.  Stupid inquisitive nature reading what I posted.