Just a sunday afternoon

Well it’s Sunday afternoon and this depressive mood has now been here for about a week; it’s the first time I have had to deal with depression in over a year.  The last time I felt depressed it was as part of a mixed mood so although I was down I was also up; a very complicated thing to explain to someone who doesn’t understand this. 

Anyhow I don’t think this week has helped with my mood at all, since last weekend I have only had 2 days when I didn’t have anything to do.  The trip down to London all though was good and a great learning experience really drained me a lot.  My normal Saturday lay in was something that didn’t happen as I had to go to work then as well. 

One thing I have learnt though over the years is how to maintain a veneer of normality when feeling down.  I don’t know how healthy this is as I am sure most normal people don’t do that.  But then most normal people go to a doctor when they are at this stage and get signed off for a few weeks, which is just something I can’t do.  I know that if I told a doctor just how I felt that I would get a sick note but I’ve lived with it for years and can function just about even when the depression gets really bad.   I manage to keep going and doing the usual stuff even when I am contemplating all sorts of methods of suicide, which is kind of a sign of really deep depression.

So now I am contemplating doing something I know will work to kick me out of this mood; traditionally there are two things that work.  One is sex and the other is pain, both most people would say are risky as I am not in a relationship so sex would be with some random person which has its risk.  The pain would most defiantly be via my ‘special’ kit, which although most people consider self-harm to be bad and wrong my last therapist said that if I need to do it then I should.  So now I am trying to weigh up just how long do I leave it, do I do it now or do I wait till it becomes a need that I can’t live without.

On another point what I hate about my depression is the sleep issues that go with it, not the typical sleeping for hours and hours but really having problems falling asleep and then feeling tired all the time.  It’s really odd but hey that’s how it is.