Children

I know people won’t read this so it’s more for me to put my thoughts down on.  But tonight I have been unusually broody.  I know I can’t biologically have children after the operation I had, I know at the time it was the right thing to do as I was in huge amounts of pain and I wasn’t living by taking huge amounts of pain meds every day.  But now 5 years on I am kind of regretting it, I know if I hadn’t had it I would still be in pain now but there would have been a chance that I could have had a child.  Whereas now I know that’s something that can’t happen. 

My brother and sister both have children and I love my niece’s and nephew lots, but it’s not the same.  While adoption is an option for most people I know for me it’s not something that is going to happen.  As when I looked in to adopting having bipolar is a big red cross next to your name, even though in the most part its under control and I live and function in the most part as a normal person, I still have episodes albeit small ones in comparison to when I was unmediated.   It’s still a factor that goes heavily against you, as there is the possibility that when I get bad I can rarely take care of myself let alone someone else who would depend on me. 

So I am destined to never be a mother, unless I find someone who has children already.  But even then it wouldn’t be the same.  So I sit here kind of resigned to the fact that the best I can ever be is an aunt, which is a little upsetting when you think about it.