Children

I know people won’t read this so it’s more for me to put my thoughts down on.  But tonight I have been unusually broody.  I know I can’t biologically have children after the operation I had, I know at the time it was the right thing to do as I was in huge amounts of pain and I wasn’t living by taking huge amounts of pain meds every day.  But now 5 years on I am kind of regretting it, I know if I hadn’t had it I would still be in pain now but there would have been a chance that I could have had a child.  Whereas now I know that’s something that can’t happen. 

My brother and sister both have children and I love my niece’s and nephew lots, but it’s not the same.  While adoption is an option for most people I know for me it’s not something that is going to happen.  As when I looked in to adopting having bipolar is a big red cross next to your name, even though in the most part its under control and I live and function in the most part as a normal person, I still have episodes albeit small ones in comparison to when I was unmediated.   It’s still a factor that goes heavily against you, as there is the possibility that when I get bad I can rarely take care of myself let alone someone else who would depend on me. 

So I am destined to never be a mother, unless I find someone who has children already.  But even then it wouldn’t be the same.  So I sit here kind of resigned to the fact that the best I can ever be is an aunt, which is a little upsetting when you think about it. 

meh

I hate this, it’s such a pain. The depression is still reasonably bad but it’s only been 24 hours since I last wrote about it so would be expecting a miracle to change it in that short a time period.  Anyhow I have been doing some random thinking which is always bad when I am in this mood; but the whole thing of being single is a pain in the bum.  People will say you should enjoy being single you can do anything you want and when you want.  But the things I want to do at the moment you can’t do on your own and you need someone else. 

On top of that today I had to buy Marlboro lights as the stupid cash machine at the shop had no money in it this morning so I couldn’t get 20 Marlboro Blacks just 10 lights.  I really hate Marlboro lights they just taste weird, so although I now have 20 black I am having to finish off the lights before I start on them; which is annoying me more.

Its times like these that I envy normal people, they don’t have to put up with these crappy mood swings and stupid brain thinking stuff. 

Just a sunday afternoon

Well it’s Sunday afternoon and this depressive mood has now been here for about a week; it’s the first time I have had to deal with depression in over a year.  The last time I felt depressed it was as part of a mixed mood so although I was down I was also up; a very complicated thing to explain to someone who doesn’t understand this. 

Anyhow I don’t think this week has helped with my mood at all, since last weekend I have only had 2 days when I didn’t have anything to do.  The trip down to London all though was good and a great learning experience really drained me a lot.  My normal Saturday lay in was something that didn’t happen as I had to go to work then as well. 

One thing I have learnt though over the years is how to maintain a veneer of normality when feeling down.  I don’t know how healthy this is as I am sure most normal people don’t do that.  But then most normal people go to a doctor when they are at this stage and get signed off for a few weeks, which is just something I can’t do.  I know that if I told a doctor just how I felt that I would get a sick note but I’ve lived with it for years and can function just about even when the depression gets really bad.   I manage to keep going and doing the usual stuff even when I am contemplating all sorts of methods of suicide, which is kind of a sign of really deep depression.

So now I am contemplating doing something I know will work to kick me out of this mood; traditionally there are two things that work.  One is sex and the other is pain, both most people would say are risky as I am not in a relationship so sex would be with some random person which has its risk.  The pain would most defiantly be via my ‘special’ kit, which although most people consider self-harm to be bad and wrong my last therapist said that if I need to do it then I should.  So now I am trying to weigh up just how long do I leave it, do I do it now or do I wait till it becomes a need that I can’t live without.

On another point what I hate about my depression is the sleep issues that go with it, not the typical sleeping for hours and hours but really having problems falling asleep and then feeling tired all the time.  It’s really odd but hey that’s how it is.